Toilet thread

[Oldschool]

Wife calls me at work.

I was working in the arse end of no place and 1st aid, my boss and every other clown is trying to raise me on Radio.

Of course firts aid is being all anal retentive and tells the wife they can;t get a hol dof me unless its an emergency.

So she says YES IT IS THE BATH ROOM IS FLOODING.

Well I guess that quanitifies as an emergency......

Hours later my aprentice walks out of the drift and head to the switch roon and turns on the power and gets the call on the radio. Emergency and I need to call surface.

This is not a good start to a monday Morning.
Not to mention I been up all night not able to sleep.....

Well I came home.
Been working on this !!@##$%$ toilet all day.
Leak here, bolt won't fit there, wobles, can't line it all up ect ect ect ect.
I just gave up, going to head to the hard ware store here in a bit and buy some more crap to fix the crapper.

And I smell like piss.
My son can't seem to hit the hole.
Big enough how do you miss that....
And I am laying in it......
Girls are nice the sit down.....

So if one of you fine fellow would like to come up here to Canada and set fire to everything ( including the mine ) I will buy you a cup of coffee.

Infact I'll buy a tray and we both can sit on the hood of my car, drink coffee and laugh as it all burns Haloween orange and Chiminy red.
Then you can make your escape before the cops show.
Yo were never there.....

Did I mention I hate toilets?

 

[GSbiker]

:laugh:

Thanks....My Monday needed a laugh.

 

[Txpowdercoater]

sounds like a crappy situation

 

[buckeye]

Don't forget the wax.

 

[Oldschool]

Don't forget the wax.

Bought a spare before I came home...

Hey I missed the part about my interact card chip thing not working.
So this nice french girl I known for years swipes it and then a message comes back telling her to get the manager and keep my card.

My card is Stollen.......

Yup someone snuck into my wallet and took it them brought it back.....

She fortunately has some common sence.
She handed me my card and printed off all the crap and said I better get to the bank.

At the bank just for a lark I slipped it into the money machine and punch in 40 dollars. Guess what......
It gave me 40 dollars ( never printred off a recept though, looking at my ballance makes me say bad things to my wife and then I sleep on the chesterfild for several nights. I'm OK with the last part its a real comfy one but the first part of no talking and suppers realy suck ).

So I bought two wax doughnuts, some screws a new brass plate thing to replace the old brass plate I suspected of being loose, and some screws.

Toilet is still not working.
Its cold down here in the basement and uinless I want to sleep here I better fix that before the wife gets home.

Dog ate a piece of wax off the toilet too.
She is FOOKING STUPID.
Try and get that out of her face and fur.

That sums it all quite nicely now doesn't it?

 

[buckeye]

I thought my day sucked.

 

[Square_Chopper]

This is not what I expected. I clicked hoping for some bathroom humor, which I guess it is if you aren't the one laying in piss fixing a toilet. Been there, not fun.

I was going to chime in about my weekend trip to Disney with my sons.... Don't know exactly what we all ate but it turned our collective poo bright Crayola green. But then I realized it wasn't that kind of thread.

 

[Oldschool]

OK let the poo fly.....

I fixed it.

Or perhaps it would be better to say the Toilet and I have come to an understanding.

So you want some potty humour?
Here's a good one.


Back in the day some dumb fugger guy decided the old honey waggon on rails with 3 guys across was not a sanitary way for us to defacate in da mine....

Little did he know I guess a mine is a little like a public washroom no matter where you are. At the very least once you clear the collar house the world becomes you urinal. At the worst of times the nearest empty pail or an ITH hole becomes place to drop your drawers and poo ( toilet paper is your next issue and I have cut the legs off my woolies more than once in a pinch ).

So they get this local company that specializes in fiber glass to make these porta potties with their own sewge plant. You flush and this pump goo-i-fies everything and sends to a tank that digests it ( then dumps the water down the ditch so everyone can get a water born desease of some kind ).

Myself and this industrial Mechanic ( millwright, jack of all trades fix it guy )I will simply refer to as Mr. C are always in trouble so we get shitter duty. The miners break them and we fix them......
A miner is a strange troll like creature.
Disgusting little beasties that break everything and call someone else to solve their troubles and this day they broke a toilet on 3770 level.

Now common sence would trell you if the toilet will not flush stop pooping in it.
But a miner/troll does not think that way......
So Mr.C and I get to this crapper and its loaded with turds.
I mean it looked like they perched like brids and pooped in it. The pile of papper and turd is actualy higher than the toilet seat.....

We refuse to fix it untill they clean it up....

The logistics monkey ( a form of miner troll that only moves suplies ) come swith his honey waggon and septic sucker and cleans it up ( sort of ).

MR. C and I return the next day....
I lift the cover and look inside and see the lift float is gummed up and covered in dried turds and toilet papper. This is why it will not flush and pump out.

MR.C upon closer inspection concludes this is an electrical issue ( BTW they used to call us two the Diarea twins because we were always in shit and thus fixing things realated to shit ) and its my problem.

I have a fix for this....
I get a fire hose and blast the float.
Once clean I discover it is still hung up.
Plan B my longest screw driver.

As I inch closer and closer the float drops at the last moment and the pump starts.

Now remember that logistics Monkey?
And that septic sucker?
And the stabbingthe hardened paper and turds to suck it out?

Well he made a hole in the hose I didn't see.....

AND that lift pump sprayed me with all the sums of inhuman goodness that mining dept could digest and excrete from head to the midle of my chest.

You may have noticed I like bad words and use them often.
I said nothing however because there were not words to discribe.
I packed my tools drove to the shop and locked up my gear them headed to the shaft.

Now a young lady I worked with then we shall call Diane was loading and unload trucks.
She is a wonderful attractive sunny person that would not say shit if she was standing knee high in it and was kind of like Marry Tiler Moore ( light the world up with her smile ) and saw me walking up the drift to the shaft station.

She knew this was no routine and stopped to find out if I need something brought down or sent up ect.
I get to withon 20 feet of her when the smell wafted towards her.

"OH Hi Oldschool " in her cheery voice "what can I ...... "
WHAT THE FOOK HAPPENED TO YOU gag gag and several steps back ( By the way when the float dropped Mr.C vannished I guess he figuered this was not going to end nice and left for personal reasons ).
BOTTOM DECK was the last thing she said and I got i=n the bottom and she got on the top deck.

I washed up and showered and came back about 30 minuts later.
She was still washing the stench off the bottom deck and barf off the top.....

ANd I never fixed another electric toilet again....

 

[bigrob]

Thankyou so much for giving me a good laugh , I just wish I hadn't been trying to eat my supper and laugh at the same time , Yup mashed potatoes sprayed all over my laptop.
Still laughing and cleaning Rob.

 

[buckeye]

I could go into some jokes of what happens to you during surgery,but am sworn to secrecy due to the hippa laws. lets just say while waking up with a endotrachael tube down your throat and having eatin up til midnight and have had pain meds on board for a few days is not a good outcome. Shit really does fly.

 

[steven Durham]

Grand story, and sorry to say I believe that it is 110% true.
Steve

 

[Oldschool]

You know....

stories about things coming out of the humna body are funnier than just about anything.
Even fire stories....

Its been a very long time since I was deer hunting.
Last time was with my older brother....

We used to drink a lot ( somethings have not realy changed in hind sight ).

This is an old log cabbin we are in so its hard to regulate the heat.
Its too hot or too cold and that does not make a bad drunk any easier.

I remember stumbling out of my bunk and walking out the kitchen door.
The moon was out and the night was clear and I was amazed to see the grass around my feet was all covered in these little worms. Had I not been so loaded I would have got a can and picked them up because although these were small they would havebeen good for fishing. But like I said I was loaded and just tossed this hand full of worms back and let it be. I wiped the dew off my feet on the step and went back to bed.

Next morning I am green!

But my brother REALY looks bad and we are doggin this day so its going to be a rough go.

He sit down to breakfast that my grand father is cooking on the wood stove and he is all congested and looking real ugly.

HE gets a paper towel and blows a complete unchewed Mushroom out of his nose.

WOW I said how did that get there were you trying to snort the spagetti last night when no one was looking.

No he says I was sick as a dog last night the heat didn't help. I felt real bad and had just enough time to get out on the step and puke.

Then looking down at the kitchen floor I saw foot prints heading to the bunks, red ones that looked like spagetti sauce and I figuered it all out....

 

[buckeye]

As I set here laughing my wife wants to know why. Spaghetti is now on our floor. She has a weak stomach.

 

[Oldschool]

As I set here laughing my wife wants to know why. Spaghetti is now on our floor. She has a weak stomach.

Tell your wife I am sorry about the mess.

Here's one she may pontentialy find funny, use causion though because the WO-MAN can be very complicated as per Oldsalts thread.....
My chum's wife used to sell toys at those ladies parties us guys never get invited too.

So there is stock around the house.

One day i head over to help my chum out with the window job in the basement and we break and wedge the window in. Time for the morter around things.
These are old cinder blocks and there are voids its a real bitch to getthe morter into. My chum disapears and and come back with this huge crome Vibrator. Let me tell you that REALY worked good. And it made some noises we thought were real funny too.

Anyhow his dad walks in to check on us and he;s an old tile and brick guy.
He sees the vibrator and thinks that is the coolest thing he has ever seen
Keep in mind he is in his 80s, he's from Italy and has no concept of sex toys.

We finnished the job and clean up. My chum's Dad takes off with the vibrator when we are not looking and is head up the street in little Italy showing all his retired brick and tile buddies this amazing new concrete viobrator for windows that His son has.

The wife comes home and its not too long before she hears about it and we are in shit. Not that there is anything wrong with owning or selling them. Its just realy wierd to let a senior cit walk around in public with the biggest one you ever seen.

Then It had to be explained to his Dad.
That gave rise to some blank looks and fore head slapping and I learn this Phrase PORKO DEO. I think it means god is a pig or something, but when an old Italian guys says it slapping his head you have to wonder do you laugh or keep your eyes on the floor and take the abuse like a teenager.

 

[buckeye]

So a frien is moving and his wife is stuffing stuff in boxes. Real prim and proper girl.
She cleans out her"drawer" and just stuffs the "toys" in the box.
We decided to take a break. We are all setting around on the foor. In walks the dog with his new "toy" in his mouth. Haven't ever seen the color red her face was.

 

[Oldschool]

Dogs realy like them.
I guess they just look chewy.

You know this could turn out to be a pretty funny thread.
I wonder where it will end.

 

[Mr.GhettoRig]

this thread should've been titled 'oldschools interesting stories' :thumbsup: :laugh:

EDIT: just realized I said oldsalt instead of oldschool... but its corrected now.. :doah:

 

[Andrewp]

Really funny stuff oldschool! Loving the hell out of your stories:laugh::laugh::innocent:

 

[Oldschool]

Really funny stuff oldschool! Loving the hell out of your stories:laugh::laugh::innocent:

I aprenticed under master story tellers ( who did a little light electrical work on the side ). Portly round faced men, with pocket protectors, white hair and bellies that jigled like a bowl of Jellow....
A good friend of mine, a true spinner of yarns never told the same story twice.

This contrasted with our boss who's repedative explainations the inner working of the cement industry from an electricians perspective, and less than inspiring conversation on guitars and amplifiers and his home studio would make you want to lobotomize yourself with t he first sharp object you could find.

Now Mr. WASP could tell a good story.
By the time he was done a boss would leave with a cup of coffee, a funny story to make him chuckle and have completely forgot what he went to see the electricians about.
That is what I aspire too.

I'm just not as interesting as my mentor Mr. WASP, so when the croud runs cold I start to repeat myself and make like I have some sort oldtimers thing happening. I may not make them forget what they wanted an electrician for but I can leave them with second thoughts that I am the guy they want to ask.

Mr.WASP actualy had that on his hard hat.....
MR.Black also in our dept had a habbit of grabbing the wrong hats.
People read hard hats where I work because there are too many faces and names to remember. So a person of colour with WASP on his hard hat was one of the high points of musical hats.

Nobody liked to play musical respirators.....

No one was comfortable with musical pants and efforts were made not to confuse the stuff in the washer. Well I found the pants that belonged to people bigger than me made people compliment me on loosing weight and such.....

 

[metal man]

Reason: Its easy to tell stories.. Most have forgot the broken toilet at the beginning. Few ever actulay read this line at the bottom

im one of the few

ok bad shitter stories . my 1/2 brother and his land wale of a wife come up to visit . a few days later notice the shitter is a bit loose and making a squishing sound when ya sit down . ok thought no big deal maybe it just settled some , being it was pulled and had a new gasket put in after some plumbing rework . well go get the wrenches and start looking .... what the hell ????? there is wax all over the floor . like sticking out the side a good 3 inches and out the bolt holes on the crapper .
ok so end up pulling it again (it had been in like 2 months )and fat ass has pushed the gasket out like play dough . i have never seen any thing like that call a buddy of mine and he about pisses himself laughing, he cant believe this ether .
so get it fixed and tell the folks that she is not allowed to use the can again she can shit out in the woods like other livestock , i think a cow weighs less . they get one hell of a laugh out of it .
never have i seen anything like that before she had managed to push the bracing in the floor out of place and wreck the crapper . im just glad they will never be back here again , i dont want to have ta keep fixing that every time .