the joke thread
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Your Duck is Dead:
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.
As she laid her pet on the table,
the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head
sadly and said;
"I'm sorry, your duck (Cuddles) has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed; "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead." replied the vet.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested.
"I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything.
He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around, and left
the room.
He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement,
the dog stood on his hind legs,
put his front paws on the examination table,
and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head
and took it out of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat.
The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot.
The cat sat back on its haunches,
shook its head, meowed softly,
and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said;
"I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely,
100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal,
hit a few keys and produced a bill,
which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock,
took the bill. "$150!" she cried;
"$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!?"
The vet shrugged;
"I'm sorry.
If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20,
but.....with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150.
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.
As she laid her pet on the table,
the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head
sadly and said;
"I'm sorry, your duck (Cuddles) has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed; "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead." replied the vet.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested.
"I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything.
He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around, and left
the room.
He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement,
the dog stood on his hind legs,
put his front paws on the examination table,
and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head
and took it out of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat.
The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot.
The cat sat back on its haunches,
shook its head, meowed softly,
and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said;
"I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely,
100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal,
hit a few keys and produced a bill,
which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock,
took the bill. "$150!" she cried;
"$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!?"
The vet shrugged;
"I'm sorry.
If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20,
but.....with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150.
A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got a horrible sunburn,
specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and was promptly
admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in,
the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline,
electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will
Viagra do for him, Doctor'?
The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'
specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and was promptly
admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in,
the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline,
electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will
Viagra do for him, Doctor'?
The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'
POPULATION
The population of this country is 300 million.
160 million are retired.
That leaves 140 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 55 million to do the work.
Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 15 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forc es preoccupied with killing Osama
Bin-Laden.
Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city
Governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And there you are,
Sitting on your ass,
At your computer, reading jokes.
Nice. Real nice
The population of this country is 300 million.
160 million are retired.
That leaves 140 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 55 million to do the work.
Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 15 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forc es preoccupied with killing Osama
Bin-Laden.
Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city
Governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And there you are,
Sitting on your ass,
At your computer, reading jokes.
Nice. Real nice
WHAT DO DEER THINK?
Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan, was
being
interviewed by a French journalist and animal rights activist. The
discussion came around to deer hunting. The journalist asked, "What do
you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him?
Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it 'Are you the one who killed my
brother?' "
Nugent replied, "Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking.
All they care about is, 'What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw
next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the
French.' "
The interview ended at that point.
__________________
Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan, was
being
interviewed by a French journalist and animal rights activist. The
discussion came around to deer hunting. The journalist asked, "What do
you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him?
Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it 'Are you the one who killed my
brother?' "
Nugent replied, "Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking.
All they care about is, 'What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw
next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the
French.' "
The interview ended at that point.
__________________
ok i got one
a guy walks into a bar and he sits donw next to a guy with a jar full of 100 dollar bills. he ask the man what are you gonna do with those 100 dollar bills. the man replys if you can make my horse laugh you can have them. the guy walks out back were the horse is comes bad in 5 minutes later and the horse is laughing its ass off. the guy with the 100 dollar bills gives the man them and he walks out
a day later the same guy walks in and the same guy is there with ANOTHER jar of 100 dollar bills and the guy ask again what are you gonna do with the 100 dolla bills he said if you can make my horse cry you can have the 100 dollar bills. the man walks out there 5 minutes later he comes back in and the horse is crying its eyes out. so te guy gives him the 100 dollar bills
the man who gave the guy the 100 dollar blls ask how did you make my horse laugh one day and cry the next?
the man replays very simple i told your horse my dick was bigger and the i showed it to him!!
HAHAHAHAHA
a guy walks into a bar and he sits donw next to a guy with a jar full of 100 dollar bills. he ask the man what are you gonna do with those 100 dollar bills. the man replys if you can make my horse laugh you can have them. the guy walks out back were the horse is comes bad in 5 minutes later and the horse is laughing its ass off. the guy with the 100 dollar bills gives the man them and he walks out
a day later the same guy walks in and the same guy is there with ANOTHER jar of 100 dollar bills and the guy ask again what are you gonna do with the 100 dolla bills he said if you can make my horse cry you can have the 100 dollar bills. the man walks out there 5 minutes later he comes back in and the horse is crying its eyes out. so te guy gives him the 100 dollar bills
the man who gave the guy the 100 dollar blls ask how did you make my horse laugh one day and cry the next?
the man replays very simple i told your horse my dick was bigger and the i showed it to him!!
HAHAHAHAHA
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to
get rid of him one day by driving him 20 miles from his home
and leaving him at the park. As he arrived home, the cat was
walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 miles away. He
put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his
driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further, and the cat would
always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few hundred miles
away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right
again and another right until he reached what he thought was
a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat
there?"
"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered, "Put the little bastard on the
phone, I'm lost and need directions."
get rid of him one day by driving him 20 miles from his home
and leaving him at the park. As he arrived home, the cat was
walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 miles away. He
put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his
driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further, and the cat would
always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few hundred miles
away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right
again and another right until he reached what he thought was
a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat
there?"
"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered, "Put the little bastard on the
phone, I'm lost and need directions."
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar. The two men take turns boasting of their adventures on the high seas.
The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, hook, and an eyepatch. He asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"?
"Well," replied the pirate, "while my men and I were plundering in the middle east, I was caught stealing from a merchant. I was arrested and my hand was cut off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eyepatch?"
"A sea gull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook..."
The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, hook, and an eyepatch. He asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"?
"Well," replied the pirate, "while my men and I were plundering in the middle east, I was caught stealing from a merchant. I was arrested and my hand was cut off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eyepatch?"
"A sea gull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook..."
Tiger Woods should legally change his name, to.....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................CHEETAH.:mad2: