the joke thread
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ok jhonny an his dad are at a bank the woman in front of them in the line is fat as hell jhony ses dad her ass is huge his dad ses jhony dont say that thats not nice ok so few minutes later hes like dad im sorry her ass is gigantic his dads like jhonny if you say that one more time im guna beat your ass ok so a few minutes later her beeper goes off jhony gets out the way an yells Look out dad shes backin up!!!
NINE WORDS WOMEN USE
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').
( Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').
( Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
Coyote Problem
.. The Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were
presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote
population.
It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true
methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the tree-huggers had a
"more humane" solution. What they proposed was for the animals to be
captured alive; the males would then be castrated and let loose again.
Therefore the population would be controlled. This was ACTUALLY proposed to
the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Grower's Association by the Sierra Club and the
USFS. All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of
minutes. Finally, an old boy in the back of the conference room stood up,
tipped his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand our
problem. Those coyotes ain't fu*kin' our sheep - they're eatin''em!"
You should have been there to hear the roar of laughter.
.. The Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were
presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote
population.
It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true
methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the tree-huggers had a
"more humane" solution. What they proposed was for the animals to be
captured alive; the males would then be castrated and let loose again.
Therefore the population would be controlled. This was ACTUALLY proposed to
the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Grower's Association by the Sierra Club and the
USFS. All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of
minutes. Finally, an old boy in the back of the conference room stood up,
tipped his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand our
problem. Those coyotes ain't fu*kin' our sheep - they're eatin''em!"
You should have been there to hear the roar of laughter.
My daddy the Dancer............
One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living.
All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.
However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes,
if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"
No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Obama elected to be our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."
One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living.
All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.
However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes,
if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"
No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Obama elected to be our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."
The Female Genie
While trying to escape through Pakistan , Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on
The sand and picked it up.
Suddenly, a female Genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said,
'Master, may I grant you one wish?'
Osama responded, 'You ignorant, unworthy Daughter-of- a-flea-bitten camel!
Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything.'
The shocked Genie said, 'Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be
Returned to that bottle forever.'
Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence Of the woman
And said: 'Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed
In the morning. So just do it and be off with you.'
The annoyed Genie said, 'So be it!' and disappeared.
The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya
Harding, and Hillary Clinton at his side.
His penis was gone, his knees were broken, And he had no health insurance.
God is Good.
While trying to escape through Pakistan , Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on
The sand and picked it up.
Suddenly, a female Genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said,
'Master, may I grant you one wish?'
Osama responded, 'You ignorant, unworthy Daughter-of- a-flea-bitten camel!
Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything.'
The shocked Genie said, 'Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be
Returned to that bottle forever.'
Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence Of the woman
And said: 'Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed
In the morning. So just do it and be off with you.'
The annoyed Genie said, 'So be it!' and disappeared.
The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya
Harding, and Hillary Clinton at his side.
His penis was gone, his knees were broken, And he had no health insurance.
God is Good.
I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS...
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at
him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place
where
he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies,
"I
think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful
to
his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party
that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching
while
your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at
him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place
where
he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies,
"I
think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful
to
his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party
that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching
while
your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."
Two women in Heaven
1st woman: Hi! My name is Sandra.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.
I ran up into the attic and searched,and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.
I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
1st woman: Hi! My name is Sandra.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.
I ran up into the attic and searched,and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.
I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
Dirty little Johnny was in history class and the teacher asked him, Johnny who sighned the Declation of Independene? Johnny said I don't know, I don't care and you can go to hell. The teacher in horror say's Johnny I can't believe you said that, I'm going to call your father and tell him what you said. Johnny said, go ahead and call him, I don't really give a shit. So the teacher promptly calls Johnny's father, he heads right over to the school and walks into the classroom and asks, what went on here? The teacher said, Johnny tell your dad what you said when I asked you who sighned The Declaration of Independence. Johnny promply said I don't know, I don't care and you can go to hell. Thy old man was instantly pissed, walked over to Johnny, grabbed him by the ear and took him to the back of the room and said, Johnny if you wrote on that damn thing admitt it.
How to Tell the Sex of a Fly
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter
"What are you doing?"
She asked.
"Hunting Flies"
He responded.
"Oh. ! Killing any?"
She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"
He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter
"What are you doing?"
She asked.
"Hunting Flies"
He responded.
"Oh. ! Killing any?"
She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"
He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.
hope you like this
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide
up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It
said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
-
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
opportunity.
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide
up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It
said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
-
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
opportunity.
An old man and his wife were on a cross country trip. While going through Arizona, the old man got pulled over for speeding. The officer walked up to the car and asked to see the old man's license and insurance card. The old woman said "WHAT DID HE SAY". The old man said "HE WANTS TO SEE MY LICENSE AND INSURANCE CARD". The policeman told the old man that he was doing 70 in a 55 MPH zone. The old woman said "WHAT DID HE SAY". The old man looked at her and said "I WAS SPEEDING AND HE IS GOING TO GIVE ME A TICKET". The old woman said "OH OKAY!". The Policeman said he was going to the car to write the ticket. The old woman said "WHAT DID HE SAY, WHAT DID HE SAY". The old man looked at her and said "HE IS GOING TO GO WRITE ME TICKET. After writing the ticket the policeman walks back to the car and says "Here you go Sir, here is your ticket". The old woman says "WHAT DID HE SAY, WHAT DID HE SAY" The old man says "HERE IS MY DAMN TICKET". The policeman realizes the old woman couldn't hear well so he says to the old man "I see you two have come from Kentucky" The old woman says "WHAT DID HE SAY" The old man says to her "HE SEES WE ARE FROM KENTUCKY" The old woman says "OH OKAY" The policeman tells the couple that he went to Kentucky one time. The old woman says "WHAT DID HE SAY". The old man says "HE HAS BEEN TO KENTUCKY BEFORE" The old woman says "OH OKAY". The policeman continues on to say "The last time I was in Kentucky, I got a blow job from a woman, and it was the worst blow job that I have ever had". The old woman said "WHAT DID HE SAY, WHAT DID HE SAY". The old man looked at her and said "HE THINKS THAT HE KNOWS YOU!"
"THE KNOB"A middle aged woman went to her cosmetic surgeon to see what her options were concerning her rapidly sagging face. "We can give you an old fashioned face-lift, or we can use a new high-tech procedure called the knob"."What is the knob, doctor?", she asked."It is a procedure where we install a knob under your hair on the back of your head. We then connect it to the facial muscles which sag, and when you see new wrinkles and sagging, you just tightenthe knob a few turns and your skin is nice and tight again.""Oh, yes! That is what I would like to have", she replied excitedly.The operation was a complete success and she looked 15 yearsyounger. As time passed, when she would notice new sagging, she would simply tighten the knob and voila! Her face was again beautiful.One day about 8 years later she woke up one morning and sawvery large bags under her eyes. Alarmed, she called her doctor andreported the bags. "You had better get right over and let me check this out!" the doctor replied.After examining her, he said "the bags under your eyes are your breasts"...To which she said........... "Well, I guess that explains the goatee!"
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him,"
My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money, " Mike replies."
There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just
give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what
to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a Hell of a
lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the
drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and
asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten
seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
activity. It will improve in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was,
Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine
samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for
good measure
Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results.
He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the
results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never
get better.
My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money, " Mike replies."
There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just
give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what
to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a Hell of a
lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the
drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and
asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten
seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
activity. It will improve in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was,
Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine
samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for
good measure
Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results.
He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the
results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never
get better.
Chuck Norris is responsible for China's over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.
The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauron’s ass halfway through the first chapter.
Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."
Chuck Norris once bench-pressed the entire state of Ohio, and all of its residents.
:thefinger::thefinger::thefinger::thefinger::gun_bandana::bowdown:
The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauron’s ass halfway through the first chapter.
Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."
Chuck Norris once bench-pressed the entire state of Ohio, and all of its residents.
:thefinger::thefinger::thefinger::thefinger::gun_bandana::bowdown:
Riddle of the Day
Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.
Michael J. Fox has a small one.
Madonna doesn't have one.
The Pope has one but doesn't use it.
Clinton uses his all the time.
Bush is one.
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.
Liberace never used his on women.
Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.
Cher claims that she took on 3.
We never saw Lucy use Desi's.
What is it?
'A Last Name.'
You didn't think I'd post a dirty joke, did you? :wink:
Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.
Michael J. Fox has a small one.
Madonna doesn't have one.
The Pope has one but doesn't use it.
Clinton uses his all the time.
Bush is one.
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.
Liberace never used his on women.
Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.
Cher claims that she took on 3.
We never saw Lucy use Desi's.
What is it?
'A Last Name.'
You didn't think I'd post a dirty joke, did you? :wink: